The Mystery of the Heart Attack
by LightningHunter
Summary: A terrifying incident ends up with Naruto in the hospital, and foul play is suspected- alright, it's just another comedy story. Enjoy.


No matter how much I hate Naruto, I can still keep myself making parodies. Well, I still manage to cram in my rants as well.

* * *

_LightningHunter presents..._

**The Mystery of the Heart Attack**

An epic tale of deceit and betrayal.

It was a peaceful day in Konoha...as always. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and everything was just wonderful. Kids ran through the streets playing unsupervised, no creepy bearded guys in anoraks stalking them, people dropped wallets and other people picked them up and gave them back, and best of all, an urban legend had arose that there existed a photograph of Tsunade with her heaving bosom bared for all to see.

Mind you, the citizens weren't fooled (no, not about the photo). They knew full well that whenever something good was going to happen, that a blonde hyper little fun-ball would somehow ruin it for them. Sure, he tried to cut down on pranks ( but not completely, seeing as Prankaholics Anoymous hadn't been invented yet, solely for the reason that it would be a waste of government spending, and not to mention it was absolutely retarded) it seemed Naruto always had this way of doing something to annoy you and your entire family.

They didn't hate him because of the Kyuubi, the monster that destroyed their lives. They hated him because the little bastard would ruin their lives, Kyuubi or no Kyuubi. Hey, that sounded vaguely Japanese, get it? Kyuubi no Yoko, Kyuubi or no Kyuubi- see what I'm getting at? Oh, fuck it, let's move on.

Well, not all of them hated him.

Naruto was much loved by his friends, the younger generations, the ramen sellers, and all the city's paedophiles, who would argue things like:

"How dare that little bastard be so sexy with his sun kissed gorgeous messy hair, his fabulous orange styling, with those wiggles and I mean come on, his muscles in all the right places."

By the way, that's a yell at all those people who still use that fucking phrase "curves in all the right places". It was okay back in the day, when actual proper authors used to use it. Now it gets thrown around to describe every fucking mildly attractive girl in fanfiction. Why not describe those right place instead? If you're picturing some girl to have a curvy full ass, large breasts with succulent hips and long smooth unblemished legs, you should just say it- and I think I may have come off as a pervert to female readers, and possibly scared a few away.

Well, those still here, get ready, there's going to be a lot of moments like that.

Back to the story, and if I've wasted so much time by keep breaking into rants, sorry, I'll stop doing that. So, Naruto was much loved by some people, blah blah blah.

So it was a great shock to many when Naruto suddenly burst out of his house, clutching at his heart, screaming.

"OH JESUS! JESUS CHRIST!" he cried.

"...Who?" asked a friendly passer-by.

Yes, Japanese people set in ninja times with electricity don't know who Jesus is, or who the Romans are-thus they do not know what crucifixion is. So stop doing it to Naruto in abused Naruto fics. And sorry for breaking that promise about stopping to rant in the middle of a fic. Besides, it's not like you believed me.

Although if we're going to talk about interesting forms of torture to use on Naruto, I'd love to see one when you strap the person down in a sitting position with their legs out, you sprinkle salty water over their feet and then a goat and make it start licking their feet. The goat's tongue is so abrasive it acts like sandpaper. Yes, that's a real medieval torture thing, and screw it, that's such a brilliant idea I'm going to put in one of my fics now.

"GAH!" Naruto shook with spasms. "AH! I NEED SOMEONE TO CALL ME AN AMBULANCE! I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING! I NEED AN AMBULANCE! I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING! CALL ME A FUCKING AMBULANCE! OH- ARGH!"

Naruto promptly fell to the ground.

* * *

Several hours later in hospital, Naruto was in a private ward.

Tsunade had been busy, but fortunately, Shizune had helped out instead. Case of heart attack.

And all of a sudden, Sakura and Hinata were called to Tsunade's office.

"Tsunade-sama!" greeted both the girls.

"Shut up," said Tsunade. "You have been brought here for one reason, and one reason only."

"....Which is?" said the two simultaneously.

"Don't talk like that, it annoys me," said Tsunade. "You've heard about Naruto's heart attack? Well, I need you to find out how did it happen."

Sakura cleared her throat. "Well, usually a heart attack occurs when-"

"I know the medical way!" said Tsunade. "I'm suspecting that there has been ...other interferences."

"Did someone write Naruto's name down in a special black notebook?" Hinata asked.

"No. But I need someone to investigate anyway-"

"You mean we get to be detectives?" asked Sakura, hopefully.

"Eh, kind of."

The two girls high-fived. Finally, they could get to be main protaganists in a story that had nothing to do with romance.

* * *

(NOTE, if you are imagining this fic, you may wish to imagine it in black and white now, and Sakura and Hinata wearing detective coats and hats. Ah, the classic detective with their coats and hats, or Sherlock Holmes style coats and pipes, deerstalker hats were never actually mentioned in the story. Modern-day police detectives are boring guys who never go after sinister professors or gentleman jewel thieves, and private detectives are just told to spy on potentially unfaithful spouses. What happened to the world?)

The two girls went to the scene of the crime, outside Naruto's house. They found nothing interesting so they went into his house.

Sherlock Holmes wouldn't have done that. He'd have keenly examined the ground outside first. The world has changed.

Once they entered, they immediately went all "MGS Stealth Style", pressing themselves to walls, and looking for cardboard boxes to hide in.

And they found one.

They opened it, noticing it was quite heavy-

And both gaped at their discovery. This changed everything.

"Naruto-Naruto-kun's a pervert!" Hinata cried out, looking at the porn mags that they had found in the box.

The mags themselves were all alphabetised, with a note on them saying:

"Yo, brat. Happy birthday, from your no.1 teacher, Jiraiya!"

Hinata sobbed at the corruption of her idol and stalker-subject.

How about that, it appears I've made a reference to LightningHunter's Parody of Abused Naruto fics. Oh, I love advertising me.

"Don't worry Hinata," said Sakura, laying a hand on the girl's shoulder. "I'll knock Naruto into the lower atmosphere for this later!"

Hinata suddenly grinned. "Oh yeah, do so."

"Huh? Why are you encouraging me?" asked Sakura suspiciously, before she came to a realisation. "Oh yeah, this is your little scheme isn't it? One day I go too far, and Naruto runs to you...yeah, not a brilliant plan. I know mine and his limits."

"You bitch!" yelled Hinata, her shyness forgotten as her plan was revealed. "Well, we all know your plan! Hitting Naruto to make him know you're the dominant one!"

"You tramp!"

The girls circled each other, and it was pity no one was there, as this may have turned into the catfight of the century.

"Naruto's mine, bitch!" spat Sakura.

"Fuck off!"

"Haven't you ever seen other anime/manga?" said Sakura, a sudden grin on her face. "The guy generally always falls for the girl who beats the crap out of him or does some other form of physical abuse. Japanese guys are all masochists, you know."

"That's a lie!" said Hinata, before she remembered her knowledge of the competition. "...I hate you."

"Yes, I'll have to forbid Naruto from going near you, I guess I'll tell him you insulted ramen and said summoning toads is lame," Sakura mused to herself. "Now, anyway, back to the case."

No catfight, sadly. On the plus side, at least you know someone out there isn't beating off to this. Well, it's not like I've managed to stop them, they'll probably just look for a new fic which promises them some badly written sex.

"Maybe he was drugged?" suggested Hinata.

"Good idea," said Sakura. "Now what did he have for breakfast- oh, we know he would've had, to the supermarket!"

* * *

"Hello," said Generic Worker at Supermarket. "May I help you?"

"Where do you order your instant ramen from?!" demanded Hinata.

"That's private information. The boss wouldn't be pleased if I told you. Now either buy something or get out-"

Sakura seized the worker by the front of his shirt. "Let's try again. Where do you order your instant ramen from?!"

"Gah- I can't breathe like this!"

Sakura blinked. "That's supposed to be the point."

"Well I ain't squealing! I ain't dun nuthin', you ain't gettin' nuthin' outta me! I ain't sayin' nuthin'!" said the man, somehow adopting the accent of a 1930s gangster. Or 1920s, I've forgotten.

"Talk or I'll snap your cock off."

"Ichiraku Ramen!" the man cried as he fell to the ground.

* * *

The streets were empty as Sakura and Hinata stood outside Ichiraku Ramen. A slow breeze went through the area, blowing their coats slightly. Let's face it, wind plus long coats equals awesome.

Mr Ichiraku was facing away from them as they came to the stand, his back curved as he stooped over something.

"Ichiraku?" asked Hinata.

Ichiraku's head turned dramatically. "You...looking for the stuff?"

"The what?" said Sakura.

Ichiraku hobbled towards them, his eyes flitting around suspiciously. "I've got all the stuff you need, here, at reasonable prices. There's no shortage of the stuff. Of course, that's what I tell 'em. Shortages...heh, I've been making them in my attic in secret. Those damn pigs, they ain't catching me."

"What is the "stuff?" asked Sakura, almost afraid of the answer.

"...Diet ramen."

"What?" said Hinata.

"Diet ramen, the special ramen that keeps you ladies thin. Yeah, I've got it all, my special diet ramen at easy affordable prices.

"Ramen?! We don't need no stinkin' ramen!" yelled Sakura in anger. "We want to know what you put in your instant ramen!"

"Ingredients."

"Sakura," Hinata turned to her teammate. "If you will."

Sakura grabbed the man by the front of his shirt. "Do you put anything in your ramen that could give people heart attacks!"

"Well, I suppose there's high cholesterol and saturated fats, but you'd have to be in your forties or something like that!"

Sakura tossed the man back into his stand, ignoring his cries of pain.

"Dead end," she said.

"How about we retrace Naruto's steps?"

"How are we supposed to know what he was doing?"

"I was stalking him yesterday," said Hinata.

Sakura blinked. "...Never mind."

* * *

"There's only one place he went yesterday, apart from his house, the ramen stand, and the Hokage Residence," said Hinata seriously as they went through the streets. "The phone store."

"Why the hell would he have come here?"

"Something about collecting an upgraded mobile phone." (Cellphone, to my American readers, which according to the reader traffic thing, is the majority.)

"He has a phone? Didn't know that..."

"He also has a 50-inch tv, a desktop computer with 8GB of RAM and an over 600GB hard drive, a PS3 with PS2 BC, he has a 360 and it just came back from being repaired, he got Red Ringed coincidently a day after the warranty expired, and he had a Wii but it frustrated him so as the only game he liked for it involved having to shake the remote like you're jerking off so the embarassment got to him and he threw it out of a window-"

"Okay, that's enough."

And some yaoi fangirl is masturbating to her latest fantasy of Naruto and a Wiimote. Eww. Why do I write things that disgust me? What's wrong with me?

...and someone is now preparing a list to put in their review.

* * *

As they entered the phone store, a dark sense of foreboding fell over them. Sakura found herself facing the most dangerous, evil, short-tempered and downright mean woman she had ever met or ever would meet.

Her mother.

"Mum! So you're the one who poisoned Naruto and gave him the heart attack!"

"Yes, it was I!" Mrs Haruno exclaimed, raising her fists in triumph.

She blinked. "Wait, what? Poisoned? Heart attack? Naruto? What's this about?"

"Eh?" said Hinata. "Sakura, who is she?"

"Haven't you been paying attention to the past few paragraphs?" asked Sakura. "She's my mother. Mum, did you poison Naruto or not?"

"Wait, this isn't about how I shot- er, nevermind," Mrs Haruno quickly said. "Oh, Naruto's been poisoned?"

"Oh, come on," said Sakura. "You barely get to cameo, you should at least pay attention to the plot when you do. Yes, he's been poisoned."

"So, did you do it?" asked Hinata.

"How could he be poisoned? I thought, you know, because of his, uh, problem, he had, you know, accelerated healing."

Sakura blinked. She'd forgotten about the whole Kyuubi thing.

And then she realised. All the little pieces fell together. The heart attack. The diet ramen. The hospital. Tsunade being away. Shizune having to heal Naruto. The PS3, the Red Ringed 360 getting repaired and the WiimotexNaruto yaoi lemons that are now appearing in some fangirl's head. The phone. The porn mags. Going MGS Stealth Style. Prankaholics Anonymous.

A conspiracy that would make Dan Brown froth at the mouth. A great secret so powerful if revealed it could devastate humanity.

Hinata finished reading the paragraph. "Wait, what the hell does that mean? It's just random nonsense."

"Well, we'll need an expert in random nonsense. The author."

* * *

LightningHunter sat hunched over his computer, eating an obscene number of sweet things whilst wearing a white shirt and jeans.

He was reading reviews and emails from readers who were wishing him well and hoping for updates, occasionally suggesting tips, ideas, and ways to get over his near-permanent writer's block.

"The fools!" He laughed. "They'll never guess I finished all my fics last January! Hah, I've already started work on sequels and completed new fics! All I need is for a lab experiment to go wrong and I'll be a perfect super villain!"

"Yeah, that's very interesting," said Sakura. "But hurry up and tell us what this crazy fic means."

"That one? Oh, I finished that years ago. I can't even remember the ending. Say, how would you two like to star in a lemon? And by saying that, I've managed to make someone just beat off. It's a great feeling knowing someone's jerking to my work."

Sakura punched his laptop. "Just tell us what happens!"

LH stared at his laptop. "No- don't glitch-wait-whatdoyoumeanyou'redeletingmyfiles-ohshit-fucking-oh forfuck-nononono!"

And in moments, all his fanfiction was deleted.

"Ah," said Sakura. "I suppose we should just go now."

* * *

"Well, we've got nothing," said Sakura.

"Or have we?" said Hinata.

"Of course we don't!" snapped Sakura.

"Well, while that nut was talking to you, I may have copied the Word Document with this fic onto my USB drive. "

"Really?"

"Well, what happens is-"

Sakura silenced Hinata. "We'll have to whisper this bit, otherwise the audience will know the plot twist too early."

"Whisper-whisper-whisper."

"whisper-whisper-whisper."

"Whisper-Whisper?"

"Whis-per."

* * *

"Well, did you find the answer and the ending?" asked Tsunade.

They were in Naruto's ward, just Sakura, Hinata, Tsunade, Naruto, and Shizune.

"Yes," said Sakura.

She pointed her finger towards Naruto. "Naruto, give us your testimony!"

"Heh-what?"

"Just humour them," said Tsunade.

"Yay!" Sakura and Hinata shouted. "Upcoming blatant Phoenix Wright Rip-Off!"

-CROSS-EXAMINATION-

The Day I Was Poisoned

It was a day like no other

I had a heart attack

So I ran out into the street calling for help

"HOLD IT!" shouted Hinata.

"Thanks," said Sakura. "Naruto, what do you mean by a heart attack?"

"Well, I -" and Naruto went into a very full and descriptive textbook-example of the symptoms of a heart attack.

"Well, that makes sense," said Tsunade.

"Exactly," said Shizune. "Unless Sakura and Hinata have something to add to that."

"There's nothing they can add!" said Naruto. "My testimony is perfect! I had a heart attack!"

"Well, Sakura, Hinata? Do you have any more problems with Naruto's testimony?" asked Tsunade.

The two stuck their fingers out as dramatically as possible. "That testimony stinks!"

"WHAAAT?!" said Naruto.

"It was only by reading it when I noticed the fatal contradiction in your testimony," said Sakura.

"What, the Court Record?" asked Shizune.

"No! The author's description of how Naruto gave the speech," said Hinata.

Naruto scrolled up the page. "Naruto went into a very full and descriptive textbook-example of the symptoms of a heart attack. What the fuck, he cut my entire speech?! Why? I'm the main character, I deserve more screen time!"

"Not that," said Hinata. "It was a "full and descriptive textbook-example"."

"So?" said Shizune. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Everyone knows Naruto would never read a textbook! Not in a million years!" shouted Sakura.

"GAH!" shouted Naruto.

"OBJECTION!" said Shizune. "I fail to see how Naruto's literacy has any relevance to the case!"

"OBJECTION!" shouted Hinata.

Sakura continued. "His literacy is terrible! This means some third party is-!"

"OBJECTION!" said Shizune. "Why don't we ask the author? He'd know whether the speech was a textbook example or not!"

"Fine by me!"

Tsunade banged a gavel she had pulled out of nowhere. "Those two chuunin who do everything I say, get LightningHunter's ass in here right now!"

* * *

"Well, is he here?" asked Tsunade, after the chuunin had reappeared.

"We brought his ass along," said Kotetsu.

"But the rest of his body wanted to come as well," said Izumo.

Tsunade slapped her forehead. "Now I know why you two never got promoted. Well, LH, what about Naruto's speech? Was it a textbook-example or not? And would Naruto have been capable of giving one without help from a third party?"

"Er, well, the fic has sort of been deleted, because a certain someone punched my laptop. And then when I tried to retrieve it from a USB stick, it kinda blew up for some unexplained reason. But, eh, I can guess."

"Good enough, now speak!"

"Yes, it was a textbook-example. But Naruto can't give one without help unless he's Naruto from Elementary. Which he isn't."

"Oh, that clears this all up. Anyway, how is Naruto from Elementary doing?"

"He's feeling like shit. Right, see you guys, I'm off to go eating sweet things and playing an obscene amount of video games."

"Shouldn't you be busy with your studies?"

"Is that the time?"

And the pointlessness of putting yourself in your own fic ended.

"Erm," said Tsunade. "Where were we again?"

"OBJECTION!" shouted Shizune. "Naruto having a textbook-example means nothing!"

"OBJECTION!" shouted Sakura and Hinata.

"Overruled," said Tsunade. "This is just stupid as hell. Next point."

"Okay," said Hinata. "...Wait, do we have other points?"

"Erm, your Honour," said Sakura. "We demand a break of fifteen minutes."

"For what?" said Tsunade.

"So we can actually get to a proper court room."

"Fair enough. Court is now in a state of recess!"

* * *

"Well, that was bad," said Sakura.

"Understatement," muttered Hinata.

"We must prove the truth!" Sakura said.

"Yes, even though the audience don't know it yet!"

"Jeez, we must have destroyed the fourth wall pretty badly by now."

"So, what will we do?!"

"Truth will prevail!"

"Does it?"

"Of course it does!" Sakura shouted. "Don't worry. We'll enlighten them. We'll show them just who we are!"

"..."

"The liars aren't worthy of being our opponents! I'll twist them out of time-space!"

"..."

"Gurren Lagann! Spin on! Who the hell do you think I am?!"

* * *

"I demand to know what I'm actually being charged with!" Naruto yelled in the defendant chair.

"Yeah, that is actually a good point," said Tsunade. "Girls, just explain everything."

"Very well- Naruto never had a heart attack!"

"He thought he had, because his phone started ringing!"

"Naruto had customised the phone because it had a useless vibrate. After it came back, it had a vibrate function that even Anko couldn't handle."

"Hey!" Anko yelled. "Why does everyone assume I'm a slut? I'm actually very much into celibacy."

"It's because of your outfit," Hinata answered as-a-matter-of-factly. "Now, back to the story. Naruto had the phone in his chest pocket, and thought he had a heart attack."

"OBJECTION!" said Shizune. "Who'd phone Naruto, and secondly, a medic team and I diagnosed Naruto with an actual heart attack!"

"She's got a point," Tsunade said.

"And there comes the real climax of the story!" said Sakura. "Shizune, you made the call! You knew about Naruto's new phone- because he told you-, and you faked a heart attack for a good reason!"

"What the hell?!" Shizune said.

"You're sleeping with him!" Hinata yelled. "But the real climax of the story is we found the real Shizune bound and gagged in Kakashi's house!"

"Don't ask," said Kakashi.

"I wonder why I never noticed how different she was acting?" Tsunade commented. "Or why everyone's using Shadow Clones today." Tsunade passed out on top of the judge's table, having actually been drunk the entire story.

"Ah-hem!" Sakura said. "Now, back to the story. You, fake-Shizune, faked it, solely for the reason that you wanted some sex and didn't want to wait till nightfall when you could sneak to his house when no one could see you!"

"That has got to be the stupidest reason ever," said Hinata.

"But who is this fake Shizune?"

They walked up to her, and Sakura pulled her mask off.

"It's Ino!"

Hinata pulled off another mask.

"It's Tenten!"

Sakura pulled off another mask.

"It's Temari!"

Hinata pulled off another mask.

"It's Kurenai!"

And you can see where this is going.

"It's Anko! It's Tsunade! It's some Filler girl! It's another filler girl! It's- Sasuke?"

"You know, despite that this is written by a guy who seems to hate yaoi fangirls," said Sasuke. "He seems to have done something to encourage them."

Hinata pulled off the final mask.

"It's- Sakura's mum!"

Mrs Haruno smiled embarrassedly. "Sorry?"

Naruto shrugged. "Sorry Sakura, but your mum's a MILF. And the stuff she could do with her-"

* * *

Interestingly, Naruto went back to the hospital after that. And his injuries were so severe; he wished he actually had a heart attack.

Sakura and Hinata did both go after Naruto successfully. Apparently, Mrs Haruno had taught Naruto quite a bit.

Tsunade made an oath to stop drinking. It lasted thirty seconds.

Everyone else carried on with their lives, absolutely unaffected by this stupid random shit-fest of a story.


End file.
